I saw Spring and Fall at the end of the same branch today. Such seasonal movement is not often manifest simultaneously. And yet… moving through trauma to healing is just that. New beginnings revealing unresolved endings. There is no Winter with trauma, just Fall and Spring. If this were not so, the pain would dissipate, the trigger lose it’s power to bring what is unfinished to the full strength of its disruptive impact. There is also a very pregnant pause when something new brings it all to the surface again - like a leaf or flower that never gets to move past bud stage - ever in hope - never in bloom.
This is not what we were designed for. Life isn’t all the wonder of the warmer months, some seasons are cold and dark, or dry and scorching. Things lie dormant in a winter of the soul, perhaps yielding rest, or they come to fruition in the gentle heat of summer, showing the purpose in the growing pains. But when things are cut off, unharvested, or pruned before they leaf out, there is always the question of “what if?”
So what do we need to do to get ready so that the next time our Fall surfaces in Spring we are ready to help it move to the rest of Winter and invite Summer to have the privilege of following Spring? The answer sounds silly really… we sit with Fall and ask her “Why.” Why does it hurt, what was stolen, not nurtured, cut off? What part of ourselves was surrendered when we were wounded that should have been guarded? What sudden event knocked the wind out of the dream or vision that was fuelling our life embrace? If we can find out the why, and give perspective to the what, we can help ourselves move things from Fall into Winter so we can embrace Spring and see the Summer fruit.
Finding the Why lets us know where our boundaries were trespassed, and understanding the what and who helps to bring perspective that truly releases others from holding us hostage. It’s strange really, the others in our scenarios rarely had the desire to wound us. It was usually fear and self preservation that made them behave badly - their wounds made decisions love should have weighed in on. Most of the people who have hurt others are genuinely remorseful when they find out the repercussions of their actions. It can even bring about growth and healing for them to confront the relational mess that was created.
A recent meeting of Fall and Spring for me arose when I realized I was beginning things, and having ideas, but I wasn’t finishing them. Early childhood trauma for me wasn’t the result of overt abuse, I had a rather peaceful and safe home - it was more the result of cultural and personality mismatch. I was difficult to know and understand and nurture with the frame of reference my family had to work with. Parts of my personality bumped up against my mother’s, and some emotional turbulence ensued. I could feel my own worth and value in the context of prescribed contributive productivity, but not in the area of my own creative pursuits. I had a lot of ideas growing up that weren’t extremely well received, understood, or nurtured. It feels important to mention that this happens in many families. It’s also not an opportunity to blame, but rather to gain perspective. This wasn’t intentional. I was loved. Her trauma, family culture and personality, combined with mine, delivered friction, that usually means that both of us developed insecurities that told us we were not enough. As we both matured, we have been integral in each other’s healing.
I realized that the reason I am a great starter, but not a stellar finisher, stemmed from this early childhood dynamic, and I need to let the lie go and the experience heal, and I need to tell the little girl that I am ok to proceed - that my voice is beautiful and has so much to contribute. I need to voice the things I think and see, and I need to thank both younger me, and my mother, for the experiences I had, because as a healed grown up, they have yielded unique outlook, intuitive sensitivity, empathy, and productive creativity. However, I need to trust that creativity and value as much as my ability to cook, bake, clean, launder, garden, and “do” a job. I learned to work when I was seeking to be seen and understood as a child. I know what it feels like to produce. This too, is a gift. And, in maturity, I can combine it with my ideas and create fruit. I can manifest Summer. I can accept the restful grace of Winter and use the time to get ready for the productive warmth of summer.
When your Fall and Spring collide, don’t run. Sit with it. Ask it “why?” Resist the urge to bypass it, to demand of your soul that she manifest what you want in spite of the disruption. You need to heal. If you choose to hit override or run in to addictive or avoidant behaviours, you will continue to have your Springs invaded by unfinished Falls. There will be fruit you never get to see, experiences that will pass you by. Loves that will never be, and friends you will never properly embrace. Invite summer. Learn how to move though things instead of around them. It is always going to be best for you to grow. And the rest of us need you. Imagine that. Growing and healing lets us stay present and be, not just in the realm of inner peace, but creatively productive in our sphere of influence without hindrance. Now, doesn’t that sound like the unmitigated beauty of a wildly blooming Summer? Don’t you want to see what colour your blossom is?