Reflections on the process of dating… or Sorting Humans. And yes, I’m a girl, so if you want to know what exactly a woman might want, well, give me five minutes. It’s a game, I think. And there are no rules. Honestly, I’m not sure if I wish there were… It’s just, well, dating after divorce feels a little like I’m sorting through humanity at a rummage sale. Too many variables. What were they last washed with? Bleach, Starch, Fabric Softener, Vinegar, The kind of detergent that makes the next person break out in hives because someone forgot to rinse. Or, Heaven forbid, they’re still in the package. When you’re in your 20’s that is sweet relief, when you know how you’ve aged, you wonder why they never had the opportunity. Was there an inherent flaw in their make-up? What does it say about me that I actually want to know all of of these details. All humans are messy. Birth to death we are. Things happen to us. Money ebbs and flows, jobs, cars, accidents, surprising weather anomalies. People happen to us. Some stay, some go. Parents, kids, family, friends, significant others of a pre or post spousal quality. Some we watch unfold, some are surprising. All are part of existence. Some are habit forming to our benefit, others to our detriment. My Father says that by 40, a person is pretty much as they will be. I suppose he’s right. I’ve found a lot of myself that I’m rather attached to, and some things I’m attached to because of personal components I want to keep using. And maybe that’s why I don’t so much wish there were rules, as a pledge to be honest in the first interview (date). You see, I want to know what parts of you are not negotiable. Attraction is a wonderful thing to mess around with. Feels so very cushy right around the heart zone. But really, who is looking for mush that can’t last? I want someone to be clear with me. Do they want kids… more than they already have? Are they working a job they love? Is a person dating because he wants a spousal unit, or is it just a meandering through until I know too much about him for his comfort and it’s grow or go? This also changes how much I will put into things. At the risk of offence… Though I think it’s part of the sorting process, because understanding of money, its source and destination has a direct effect on a relationship: Can they afford to buy me dinner when they invite me out? There’s nuance to language there: If you are going to ask if you can buy me dinner… I expect it will be just that. I can safely leave my wallet at home. The same would apply for: taking, going to, or I know a place, would you like to come? I made reservations. Now, on the other hand, if you are asking me if I can meet you for dinner, or asking me to join a group of friends, clearly, I can expect to carry my own purse and dip into it. Now, Honey, that’s not very modern, wondering if he can afford to buy you dinner… Modern, let me tell you about modern. Modern for many people is already strained financially. Not every divorcee gets alimony, child support may not be adequate, and things at home may be difficult. Single parenting changes the game significantly. There is an ex in the mix who may not be making life simple, people don’t usually divorce a nice guy or girl. So what is she really asking? Are you able to make my life more stable? Are you aware I might not be able to go dutch on lobster without going food bank on tomorrow’s dinner? I don’t think anyone is asking for lavish or extravagance at this point, we just want to know if our expectations for quality of life are sustainable in tandem. So if you can’t pay for a date, be clear on why no matter which party you are. If someone expects you to pay and your hackles go up because you’ve had a leech in your past, tell them. And for heaven’s sake, don’t pretend you have an affluence you’ve never known. And while we’re on touchy subjects, is there voiced definition to a relationship before intimacy is expected… wherever one might draw those lines (and where might they be, are they made of iron, dental floss, or rubber bands?). If they are crossed inadvertently over the course of the casual beginning of a relationship, can assumptions be made, or is an uncomfortable conversation going to ensue? Did previous relationships leave you with insecurities we are going to need to deal with. Do you know of these already, or is it your maiden voyage into new relationships, and the element of surprise applies to both of us. If it is sensed that I have more insight into relationships than you do, is that intimidating, or helpful. Dang it, friend, are you actually looking for love? Because if you are, let’s chat, about all the things. Jobs, dreams, religion, politics, the beauty in the world, its scarred and ugly underbelly, food, grandparents, crazy parents, wild exes, tame ones that bored you to death. We’re too old to date faces. Let me know why yours should become the dearest one to me. I don’t care really, where you find me… dating app, neighbourhood bar, seedy establishment, instagram, Facebook, school pick-up, church, or running from church. TALK TO ME. Liking a photo isn’t enough. For all I know you collect pretty faces and stare at them on your lunch break. If you met me at the grocery store you wouldn’t poke me and walk away, you’d at least pretend you don’t know a ripe avocado from a green one. Any number of acquaintances can tell me my smile caught their eye. I want to know why you want to make it roll across my face like an ocean wave. Good grief… Even if I decide I don’t like you, at least it will be because I know you enough to have made a decision… and you can do the same for me. P.S. This really is the only way strangers become friends, anyway… so however we meet people, maybe we should be ourselves from the get go. Nothing divides so well as a lie. Of that, I am certain. The true rule of dating: be honest. If you lie from the get go, it gives it away that you think the other person is doing it too. Might as well turn off the lights and dance barefoot on a floor of nails if that’s your plan.