Two days ago I stood in a cold river to cool my feet down. And to feel the earth beneath them. It's March. It's cold. It's going to snow tonight. But in that moment, it was warm. The wind and sun felt like spring, and I happily engaged with the taste of the new season. Grounded. I need to remember that feeling because in this day, there were enough moments of emotional roller coasters to distractedly dictate discombobulated activity. At times it felt like too many worlds were colliding with my own.
Even my fridge demanded my focus, and it usually runs hands free. I thought it was dead. I flipped the breaker - nothing. I forgot we moved the fridge to the other side of the room and the circuit is now not labelled fridge. I thought, it's cold in here, why did the heater quit. Clarity struck, and I checked the right breaker and the old Love flickered to life. I guess the fridge and the heater don't share well. Mama shall have to remember. Relief endorphins are almost like falling in love. You forget you are tired. You clean the floor under the fridge because it was moved in the investigation. You clean the coils because you feel sorry for the fridge. I heard her pain.
I've had a lot of change too, in the last year. Much has shifted, things I have been along for but not directly in charge of. Support. Scaffolding. I held everyone else up. I forgot what the ground felt like when I feel it for myself. I forgot the feeling of the current of life. I forgot what happens when I am plugged in and I don't have to manage my energy usage because there might not be enough to share if I do the things that feed my soul. Reveal my beautiful depths.
I made a cognitive choice to look for my own expansion. When I am fulfilled I have so much more to pour into others. It is "just there" instead of me needing to plumb the depths of the Source of All in a moment of desperation. I hear better, commune better, create better. And so, I began simple. I will write when the Sun hits the couch and I want to marinate in the warmth and cheer of her presence. I will look forward to the full schedule of reflexology clients. I will play piano, if only for a song, and not let the dust insulate her from me due to inactivity. I will embrace the minutes at the shoe store because while I don't feel the excitement I once did, every time I go in, I find I am necessary in that moment.
And I will catch the momentum of collaboration when it moves past me, ride it into the stream of possibility instead of bemoaning the absence of friends or creative partners. These things I said.
And like the flow of the stream in which I stood and breathed in the tangible perspective, my life, too has begun to pulse and pull and prove that it is an integral part of this participatory universe.
I am moving forward. Fake dead fridges and friends with dreams in alignment with my own. The promise of doing music and getting to play well with others, of doing feet and meeting more souls along the way, of writing words that will set another free and help them embrace the wonder of their own healing. These things are mine. The lines between coming and present are beginning to blur. I am in the middle of it all, and I happily breathe in inspiration, and exhale the manifestation of it.
~M