Things I'm glad I now know...

 

Why is a divorcee, yet to remarry, writing about marriage? Doesn’t she know that people who are successful at something should write about it? Well. No. Sometimes failure, and healing from it gives you wisdom. Sometimes learning enough to avoid repeating your mistakes gives you a platform. And sometimes, opening yourself up to Love just plain puts you in a position to know a thing or two about a thing or two… Besides, no one likes to be the one to talk about this from any personal connection. The hypothetical “them” is always so much safer. But nothing risked, no amazing change! 

And who is this particular outburst aimed at? Well… you might want to keep reading if: 

-You are single and looking. 
-Your marriage has been anticlimactic even though you did everything right. 
-The only thing making you stay is commitment. 
-You are divorced and can’t forgive either of you. 
-You are convinced God is mad at you. 
-Your relationships with other humans have made it difficult to see yourself clearly or trust people. 
-You have read a pile of biblical marriage books written by well-meaning Christians. 
-You are just plain curious because I mentioned divorce and God in the same paragraph and those are wonderful hot button issues. 

Why am I passionate about a subject that has left me “without a husband?” Love. That’s really the sum total of why I’m engaging with you. It’s not Love’s fault I’m divorced. It’s not Love’s fault I haven’t had the opportunity to remarry. Love is still patient and kind, still without envy, still doing a happy dance whenever truth is told. I still love, Love. And I want all of us to love, Love. 

My marriage was dead before it really got started. It wasn’t divorce that destroyed it, it was identity crisis… Marriage is designed to be an outward reflection of an inner relationship between Creator and created. Like all other human interaction, it is supposed to be a safe place where we can repeatedly be reminded of the reality of Christ in each other. We treat each other poorly when we forget who we are and our wounds and insecurities dictate our actions. 

My relationship with my Maker allowed me to grow because I knew I was loved. The man I chose to marry the first go around thought God was judge, not a safe place.  He thought submission was total surrender of one to the other, and he stopped reading after wives submit to your husbands.  I retreated from his abuse, into my Maker... but my babies did not have this tool. I had to protect them. Separation was my only option in the circumstances, and divorce became the only rational choice. 

Divorce did not break my family, and I don’t think it’s divorce that breaks families, I think wrong thinking about who God thinks we are destroys the relationships that we call marriage. Sometimes they are doomed to fail because two individuals with misunderstood identity strike up a relationship. Sometimes, wounds we don’t know we have rear their unhealed heads, and take an awful self preserving, selfish control freak form, and we don’t know how to heal from them. There are times, as in my own experience,  when letting go of the commitment is the only way to create a safe place in which to heal. 

I don’t know your situation, but I do know that understanding a few things allowed me to let go of my marriage and embrace the reality that the Father cared more about me than my vows, and enjoy the freedom I had to grow me. 

1. An institution is never worth more than an individual. 

2. True love is union because the Love of God flows through uninhibited. Corinthians tells us what that looks like. Galatians tells us what the fruit of spirit life is. If you aren’t safe, and tangibly loved, you aren’t in a marriage. 

3. Confrontation might be necessary, but should leave you feeling safe to be vulnerable and more clearly connected to right thinking about, you, your spouse, and your Maker. 

4. It is never about a balance of power, it is mutually empowering to be in a healthy relationship. 

5. If God sees me clearly, and I can expect to be fully known, seen, heard and loved by him, my spouse and I should want to do this with each other. Love unveils inherent beauty, it does not dictate what it looks like. 

6. Marriage is not the result of begrudged commitment, it is commitment born of the love that sees with spirit eyes. 

7. The most basic human right, due to the intrinsic value bestowed on us by our Designer, is to Love without inhibition, and be loved so in return. This is the foundation intimacy is based on. 

My marriage was none of those things. He had broken every vow by the end of the first month. I deserved to be loved for who I was, and so do you. It is painful to have to choose to walk away from the person you vowed to love and cherish, even if staying means you or they will self-destruct. It is painful to have someone walk away from you, but I think, much like a butterfly cracking out of a chrysalis, the discovery of beauty may follow the pain. Let yourself fly. Let yourself discover abundant life. If you desire the return of your spouse, look forward to it with hope... but embrace change while he is away. Embrace love while he is away. Embrace yourself while he is away, so that you are so beautifully who you are in your Makers eyes that he can’t stop staring. Maybe reconciliation looks like reunification, maybe it looks like grieving and moving on. No one else is in your relationship. They can’t know what is right or wrong for you or your family. 

I had read so many books on dating, marriage, and relationships from a biblical perspective, that I stayed to my own detriment. I actually believed that biblical marriage was the context in which iron was to sharpen iron. I expected conflict, difficulty, external attack, a million things I would have to forgive, and a boatload of painful growth to come my way. Needless to say, instead of looking for happiness and peace in a relationship, I searched for spiritual stimuli. I felt more connected to God when I was hurting, emotionally raw, and spiritually needy. I sought to give more than I took because sacrifice was righteous. I sought my all in Christ so that I wouldn’t need anything from my partner. I. I. I. There was no need for “we” outside of what “we” might do for Jesus. The trouble is that when I latched on to someone, I had been groomed for disfunction. For all my passionate pursuit of holiness, I could never have had a marriage that reflected the love relationship between the Creator and His created ones. 

And in the process of seeing that to its logical conclusion, I entered a relationship in which I lost my sense of self. 

Secure identity is key to healthy life. It determines connection, bonding, dreams going from goals to reality, tangibility of desire, community engagement. If the Maker hates divorce, as the modern english text asserts, it isn’t because a covenant is broken, or because the action itself is sin. It’s because it reflects an error in understanding of how much we are loved, and what it looks like when we rest in that knowledge. We were created for relationship that draws to the surface the beauty of our being, imagined by God. Unique and equally a part of the whole that is Source and Life. We were designed to compliment each other, and hold each other up, for mutual support to build strong intimacy. To know as we are known, in all aspects. To grow deep enough in love to discover all that we are, and have someone else’s eyes see us more clearly than the veil of our negative experiences will allow. 

Look for that kind of love. Strong, gentle, beautiful love with hopeful vision. Marriage is supposed to be happy. And we are supposed to enjoy it. If we’re not, asking “why” is wiser than enduring out of duty that which might be destroying us. 

***why does it feel like I might not be done... well, ask me. Comment. Share your story. Let’s discuss. I’ve had years to think about this one, and I’m know there’s lots more to say (but it’s a blog, and you were expecting a five minute light read).  The understanding that who we are intrinsically matters more than our do’s and don’ts effects our relationships, but it’s new enough to leave us wondering “how to.”  Let’s start the conversation, because let’s face it, we look for love to heal our hurts, and part of sitting down inside and learning to “be” is replacing unhealthy boundaries with healthy ones.  If it’s too personal, Facebook has messenger for a reason.  My website also has a contact form on the bio.  Let’s talk. Let’s heal. Let’s be well.

4 comments